Daddy Doula

Don’t expect a police escort! - Tips for pregnancy

2010-03-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on during pregnancy that it’s hard to focus on you and your role. We all have strong opinions when it comes to parenting but when it comes to pregnancy, sometimes Dads just don’t know what to do. We’re generally raised as men to be strong and direct so it’s natural for us to freeze when it comes to taking on the caring or “mothering” roles. It’s foreign territory and so we’d rather do little to nothing, than do something wrong or uncomfortable.

Well fear not! Here are some simple steps you can take to better prepare yourself for the pregnancy and birth. Think of it as reminders, not guidelines, and try to be as active as possible. It’s broken down into Trimesters but you can look it over and utilize any of the tips at any time.

1st Trimester-
* Talk with your wife about having a child together. What will be different? If you don’t start to talk about it now it may be difficult to bring other anxieties or worries later in the pregnancy or birth.
* Make time to regularly go on walks together or some other activity. Keep yourself physically active with your partner. Labor is just that, a lot of work, so support each other physically and see how each of you react in physically tiring situations.
* Talk about slowing down, how you can both do less in the coming months to prepare and enjoy the pregnancy. Pregnancy is one of those celebrations that don’t come too often so be in the moment and make the most out of it!
* Start sharing the news with close family and friends. But it’s always a good idea to make sure that the pregnancy is progressing as it should before spreading the news. Stay in good communication with your doctor but most importantly, focus on your partner.
* Go to a bookstore or look on the web for parenting information. Ask for advice from other fathers you may know on good sources of info. Educating yourself is the best tool to feel in control or relaxed about the pregnancy.
* Make time for you to reflect on becoming a father and what it means to you. Becoming a father is like becoming a master of any skill. It takes time … so take the time to think through it. What expectations do you have for yourself? What do others expect of you? But don’t forget that you are still you and do something for yourself every now and then.

2nd Trimester-
* Start to take-on more of the chores around your house or apartment. Mom is not feeling like herself so it’s time to work!
* Encourage your partner and let her know she is going to be a great mom. Start to practice relaxation techniques and give her frequent massages! Pregnancy is hard but the Birth is harder so start to pamper her now and reward her for the changes she is enduring. Be sympathetic not empathetic!
* Approach your wife and let her know that you can talk about both the positive and negatives about being pregnant. Communication is always the key to any working relationship. Your teamwork and partnership will have a direct impact on what kind of birth she has.
* Ask for advice! Talk with other new fathers about how they are feeling and doing as parents. Share your stories and laugh about all the craziness that comes with pregnancy. Only another dad will understand.
* If possible, ask your father what it was like for him when you were born. Ask your mother the same. You will most likely find a whole new appreciation for your parents during this process and they have a wealth of experience.
*Talk with a doula or other professional about the pregnancy. Consult with your doctor about how you can help with nutrition and cooking. Professionals are just that… professional. You may not always feel comfortable with what your friends or families tell you, so reach out to professionals who make it their career to know.

3rd Trimester-
* Start getting "the nest" ready! Work with your partner in getting things for your baby such as baby furniture, toys and baby bottles. Talking with a Baby Planner can help you save money by getting expert advice on what you should really buy. Make agreements with your partner if you absolutely can’t stand shopping. “If you pick it, I’ll build it.” It’s not always about just doing what mom wants but playing an active role in the process.
* Try to view at least one birth film together. It’s been awhile since Sex Ed but if you can’t do it, at least watch the birth scene in “Knocked Up”. This will help you prepare tremendously for the real thing. It doesn’t help mom if you’re ‘shocked’ during the labor.
* Know what you can do to "be there" for her at the birth. If you haven’t started a birth plan than now is a good time to start. Being prepared and having small obtainable goals will help make the process much smoother.
* Visit the hospital or other location where your baby will be born and take a tour. Get a feel for the staff. Look at the rooms and envision your birth there. Is it easy to get there from home and work? Have you figured out the best route? Don’t expect a police escort!
* Check in with your employer and see how flexible you both will be about time off for the birth and after. Look into your benefits and insurance to get prepared financially. Give updates regularly so you don’t get into a bind last minute. Remember, you’re not showing so it’s going to be harder for others to remember when the due date is coming.
* Start to mentally plan for the birth. See yourself experiencing the baby's birth. See yourself doing “Dad” things with your new baby. Review relaxing techniques and other labor support techniques. Pack your bag first… then moms. Sometimes we forget that we may need some snacks or clean underwear the day after.
* Remember you are still the same person before you got pregnant. Have a guy’s night out and enjoy yourself. If you feel refreshed and relax so will your partner. Stay in good health and don’t forget to be active and try to get some exercise from time to time.
* Communicate with your partner about their fears and anxieties. Figure them out and then find creative solutions to solve them. Your job is to make your partner feel as safe and comfortable as possible. Drugs or no drugs this will be a painful yet natural process and it’s your job to help support her!

www.WhereFathersGrow.com

Welcome to March!

2010-03-08T16:14:00.001-08:00

and spring for that matter!

Becoming a Father - Gender Roles

2010-02-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we fall into a routine and play a 'role'. We do this every time we are with just one person or with many. Think about when your with your friends as opposed to your partner. Or your parents or certain siblings, cousins, etc... It's not being 'different' or 'fake' but an appropriate and comfortable 'role' that you allow yourself to play.

Becoming a father was a huge new role. It brought on a whole new sense of control. I'm the dad now. Not the child. But still, at times, I felt out of control. I'm responsible for a family, a daughter? My wife is more than capable in supporting a small village, let alone me and Laven. But me on the other hand, I come from the male tribe. Not so much known for the caring and giving spirit.

So with that role of father, I try to challenge myself to be strong in faith and live up to the life that I want. I say embrace the role and use it to your advantage. Try to take a look at yourself from a different perspective and ask yourself, "How do I really want to act in this situation?". Be critical of yourself and try to do what's right. Some times we get into a rut and play a role that we don't want to. Whether it's the disciplinarian or the passive supporter we all get stuck. Change it up and make your moments memorable.

When I take my daughter to the park and we're all alone, I allow myself to be in the moment and be extravagant. I'm the King and you're the princess! Let's go slay the dragon... whatever she wants I'll be. I want her to have color in her life and get down on my knees to her level. Try to understand who she is and what makes her unique. How she sees the world. I want to know my daughter and respond to her in like.

But most importantly, don't forget the role of a husband and partner. Revisit the role everyday and make it remarkable. It's the foundation to your family...
I'll talk about this soon.

XBox Live

2010-02-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

And speaking of playing... For all of you Modern Warfare 2 players... I welcome your invites!

www.HonestFamilyServices.com

2010-02-15T10:43:00.000-08:00

So for those who may not know, my wife supports families as a therapist and as a postpartum doula, to help them solve problems related to their infants or toddlers. She was recently honored as a certified expert from ParentingHQ.com and you can learn more about her from her website at www.honestfamilyservices.com. In her blog (HonestFamily.blogspot.com) she discusses common & complex issues you may be having with your infant or toddler but also discusses various topics such as building self esteem.

The article "5 Steps for Parents To Build Self Esteem in Their Children" is a fantastic read and I wanted to expand on a thought from the article:

Step #5. Show children that you can laugh at yourself.
Show them that life doesn't need to be serious all the time and that some teasing is all in fun. Your sense of humor is important for their well-being.

Humor is one of the qualities in people that I enjoy the most. I think it's important to remind ourselves that our children are just that, children. Sometimes we take life too seriously and forget that life is what we make it. Today's pressures can certainly add up and take it's toll on us. We may not always choose what we get in life but we always get to choose how we react. So take a moment and stop. Laugh at the world and lighten up. Smile. And play with your kids. You might end up having some fun.

2010-02-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

The end of an era

2010-02-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

I resigned from OppenheimerFunds today and started a new chapter in my life... As Gandhi once put it, "Find purpose, and the means will follow." ... well come on means, come follow me! I'm excited to see what's in store... full time daddy, dedicated professional...

The Cube Personality Test

2010-02-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

Write the answers to the following on a sheet of paper.

Close your eyes and imagine a Desert. Now visualize the following:

The Cube:

-Somewhere in the desert there is a cube.

-What does the cube look like?

-Is the cube big or small?

-What color is the cube?

-Where is the cube?

-Is it in the middle of the desert or somewhere in the corner?

-What is the cube made of?

-Can you see a flat side of the cube or is it a 3D object?

-Is the cube transparent or not?

The Ladder:

-Somewhere in the desert there is also a ladder.

-What does the ladder look like?

-What color is the ladder?

-Is the ladder big or small?

-Is the ladder far away from the cube or near to the cube?

-Does the ladder have many rungs or just a few?

The Horse:

-Somewhere in the desert there is also a horse.

-What does the horse look like?

-What do you think about the horse?

-How near or far away is the horse from the cube?

-Is the horse tied or can it run anywhere it wants?

-Is it a wild horse or a domestic horse?

The Storm:

-Somewhere in the desert there is a storm.

-What does the storm look like?

-Is the storm near the cube or far away from the cube?

-Is the storm big or small?

-Is the storm strong or weak?

-Is the storm passing by or staying?

The Cube game answers:

The Cube

The first object in the desert, the cube, represents you.

The bigger the cube, the bigger your ego. If the cube is transparent, you are open to others, you don't hide anything from your friends or family. If you cannot see through the cube, it means that you are a private person and don't talk much about yourself.

If the cube is made out of something solid and strong, it means that you are a strong person. If it is soft, it means that you can be easily influenced and you are emotional.

How you think about the cube represents how you think about yourself. A cube which is on the ground indicates that you are down to earth, while a floating cube shows that you are a dreamer. If you see the flat side of the cube, you have a shallow personality, if you see the cube in 3D, you have a deep personality.

If the cube is in the centre it means that you like the attention and you like to be praised.

The color of the cube represents your personality. In general, if the cube is light you are a positive person and the darker it is the more negative you are. However it may not always be so, you should always pay attention to how you feel about the color. If you like the color then you are a likeable personality, it the color seems cold to you, you seem distant to people.

Here is a general guide to the cube colors:

Black is the color of authority, elegance, sophistication. It can also mean the dark side of the personality.

White symbolizes innocence, non-judgemental personality, objectivity, lack of strong opinions.

Red is the color of dominance, power, love and sexual energy. If your cube is red it also can mean that you are an attention seeker.

Yellow color of the cube shows that the person loves attention and would do almost anything to get the attention. If this is your color, you may seem too overbearing to some people so they may avoid you. This color also represents playfulness, optimism and energy.

Green represents compassion, prosperity, money, and vitality.

Blue represents knowledge, loyalty and calmness.

Purple represents luxury, wealth, and sophistication.

Brown shows stability. Brown is the most common cube color among men.

The Ladder

The ladder represents your friends.

The closer the ladder to the cube, the closer you are with your friends. If the ladder is leaning against the cube, this indicates that some friends are relying on you or expecting you to act according to their wishes.

If the ladder is far away from the cube, it may mean that you either have no friends or you don't consider their friendship important to you. You either mentally or physically like to distance yourself from your friends.

The color of the ladder represents the personality that most of your friends have. You can check the meaning of the ladder color in the cube color description.

The more rungs the ladder has, the more friends you have.

The Horse

The horse represents your ideal partner and how you behave in relationships.

If it is a wild horse, it means that you give freedom to your partner, if the horse is tied it means you want to be in control and you always want to know where your partner is and what he/she is doing. If the horse is tied to the cube that shows that you are a very possessive person.

The distance between the cube and the horse shows how close or distant you are in relationships. How the horse behaves also shows what kind of partner you would like to have.

If the horse is running or does not stand for long in one place, it means that you want to have a partner that would like to travel, would be full of energy and would always be involved in something. If the horse does nothing but stands or eats, it means that you want to have a partner that likes to be at home and rarely travels.

The look of a horse can also indicate the physical features of your ideal partner. The better the appearance of the horse, the better looking partner you would like to have.

The Storm

The storm represents how you deal with difficulties in life.

If it is a big storm, then you always try to make a drama out of something. If the storm is small and far away from you, it means that you are a calm and positive person and you don't like being angry and try to quickly shift your mood if you notice that anger gets activated in you.

The storm can also represent current problems in your life. If, whilst seeing storm in your mind's eye, you think that it will stay there for a long time, you think the same way about your current problems.

If you see a big storm, it means that you currently experience big problems in your life. The proximity between the storm and the cube also shows how intensely these problems affect you.

It's been awhile...

2010-02-05T20:29:00.000-08:00

Edit 2/15/10: Laven is doing much much better with sleeping through the night and is waiting for the sun to come up before she wakes her mommy and daddy!...

As you can see it has been awhile since my last post... actually I only did the first post and then left it at that. Do I have an interesting life to write about?... at times, but at best I will be honest as possible and give you as much insight as I can. I'll try to stay close to the topic of fatherhood but tangents are always a part of life.

Let's start the day as it always does... in the early morning. When Laven feels it's important to wake her parents up to tell her mom, "I need to tell you something... I don't want to take a nap" all the while whimpering and waiting for you to wake up so she can start crying when you tell her to go back to sleep. Yes it's 3:30 a.m. And for all of you that wear corrective eye wear you understand that being woken up in such fashion is very hard to discern from nightmare or real life.

Why, oh, why does she torment us so... We are trying to change the behavior but with slow and tiresome results. We have tried almost everything and are back to the 'Super Nanny' method of taking her back to bed repetitively until she goes back to sleep... usually only once or twice and all the while not responding to her cries with any verbal pacification. She's not as persistent as she was as an infant but having the bedroom directly under her makes for a loud fit.

We will see if she will ever let her parents sleep through a whole night, but does it really matter? Not really, I've learned to wake up periodically throughout the night and I have to remind myself the fact that she's only three. And what will always be consistent in our lives...is that everything changes... on a weekly basis. So if it's not waking up, it's something else... like being sick!

It's late now, so I will write about sickness later... after I get rid of this cough:)

Something's Growing!

2009-04-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the support everyone! May we always have time for our children:)

Welcome!

2009-04-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Daddy Doula "Where Fathers Grow"... I welcome your questions and support but please leave harsh opinions and ideology at the door. I appreciate your time and look forward to speaking with you! (Pictured is my daughter Laven when she was about 4 months old...good times!)